Submissive Meaning: What It Means to Be a Sub

In BDSM and kink, a submissive (or sub) is someone who consensually gives control to a dominant partner within limits they have agreed together. The sub follows the dominant's lead, and finds pleasure, relief or meaning in doing so. Crucially, submission is a choice the sub can withdraw at any time.

Submissive in everyday language vs in kink

In everyday English, submissive means yielding or obedient, and it can sound negative. In kink it means something different: a deliberate, negotiated role that someone enjoys. A sub can be confident, opinionated and successful outside the bedroom. Many say submission is enjoyable precisely because they are in charge everywhere else.

What is a sub?

"Sub" is simply short for submissive. In a femdom dynamic the sub is the partner of a domme, and the pair agree how much control she has, over what and for how long. That might be a one-hour scene, a weekly ritual or a full female-led relationship.

Types of submissives

There is no official list, but these are the types you will hear about most:

• Service sub: gets satisfaction from being useful: chores, rituals, pampering, acts of devotion.
• Brat: playfully disobedient and enjoys being "put in their place" by a firm dominant.
• Masochist: enjoys consensual pain or intense sensation. Not every sub is a masochist, and not every masochist is a sub.
• Pet: enjoys being treated as a pet in a playful, affectionate way.
• Little: enjoys a playful, caregiver-focused dynamic between adults.
• Slave: the term used in some 24/7 total power exchange relationships with very deep levels of control.
• Finsub / paypig: gets satisfaction from giving money or gifts. See our findom glossary.

Most people are a mix, and what you enjoy can change over time.

Signs you might be submissive

• You find the idea of someone else taking charge relaxing or exciting.
• Being given rules, tasks or instructions appeals to you.
• Praise from a partner hits harder than you'd expect. That is very common, and it even has a name: praise kink.
• You enjoy serving, pleasing or devoting yourself to someone.

None of these make you a sub. They are just common starting points. The best way to find out is to talk, read and explore slowly.

Sub, bottom or slave: what's the difference?

• A sub gives up control within a dynamic.
• A bottom receives the activity (being tied, spanked and so on) but isn't necessarily submissive. You can bottom without obeying anyone.
• A slave is usually in a long-term, high-control relationship with very detailed agreements.

What healthy submission looks like

• Consent is ongoing. The sub can use a safeword or stop at any time.
• Limits are respected. Hard limits are never pushed. A kink list is a great way to agree them.
• The sub's wellbeing matters. Good dominants check in, and scenes end with aftercare.
• It adds to your life. Submission should leave you feeling good afterwards, not anxious, broke or isolated.

Some subs experience a deep, floaty headspace during play called subspace. It is worth understanding before you go there.